Assertiveness

Being assertive means being honest with yourself and others, saying what you want, need, or feel but not at expense of others.

Assertiveness in a hurry

There are three simple steps to being assertive that should be carried out in order:

  • Actively listen to what is being said then show the other person that you both hear and understand them
  • Say what you think, or feel
  • Say what you want to happen

Step 1 is about focusing fully on the other person and not using the time they are talking to build up a defence or attack. By really listening you are able to demonstrate an understanding and empathy for their situation or point of view even if you do not wholly agree with it.

Step 2 enables you to directly state your thoughts or feelings without apology. 'However' is a good linking word between step 1 and step 2. 'But' tends to contradict your first statement and can he unhelpful. Other options for linking include 'on the other hand', 'nonetheless', 'in addition', 'even so', 'alternatively'.

Step 3 is so that you can indicate in a clear and straightforward way what action or outcome you want.

Assertiveness in detail

In addition to the 3 key steps, there are a number of other assertive behaviours and techniques:

  • Body language
  • Broken record technique
  • Saying no
  • Workable compromise
  • Fogging
  • Negative feelings assertion
  • Discrepancy assertion

Body language

Body language is important when being assertive, we need to reinforoce our words with the right posture and demeanour

The differences between assertive, aggressive and passive body language:

Assertive Aggressive Passive
Posture Upright/straight Leaning forward Shrinking
Head Firm not rigid Chin jutting out Head down
Eyes Direct not staring good and regular eye contact Strongly focused staring, often piercing or glaring eye contact Glancing away, little eye contact
Face Expression fits the words Set/firm Smiling even when upset
Voice Well-modulated to fit content Loud/emphatic Hesitant/soft trailing off at ends of words/sentences
Arms/hands Relaxed/moving easily Controlled extreme/sharp gestures/fingers pointing, jabbing Aimless/still
Movement/walking Measured pace suitable to action Slow and heavy, or fast, deliberate, hard Slow and hesitant, or fast and jerky

Broken record
  • Children are experts in the use of broken record technique and use it very effectively
  • It is useful to help make sure that you are listened to and that your message is received
  • Sometimes when people are actively involved in their own concerns they pay little attention to what you have to say, repeating your message ensures that it gets through without nagging, or whinging
  • Keep repeating the message until it can no longer be ignored
  • Use some of the same words over again in different sentences, this reinforces the main part of your message and prevents others raising red herrings or diverting you

Saying no
  • Saying 'no' can be difficult
  • Some people like to please others and feel that 'no' would be an unwelcome response, others are afraid of the aggressive reaction it might provoke, others are just unrealistic about what they are able to deliver
  • If your first reaction is to say 'no' then it is important to think about why, if it is the right response then you should find a way to say it as directly as possible without making excuses, or giving long-winded explanations
  • Saying 'no' firmly and reasonably is quite acceptable to most people and much better than letting them down later
  • You have the right to say 'no' without guilt

Workable compromise
  • In order to solve a problem we have to work with others to find a practical solution which is acceptable to all
  • The alternative is a 'win', 'lose' situation which is often difficult or unpleasant
  • A workable compromise means giving each person room to manoeuvre in order to work out a solution that is agreeable to all
  • It means each person giving up a bit of what they want

Inner dialogues
  • All of us talk to ourselves regularly, usually inwardly, and often before a difficult or undesirable interaction
  • We can 'talk' ourselves into a bad situation in advance and if we do it well enough we can almost guarantee a self-fulfilling prophecy
  • All of this is negative and these downward spiralling thoughts leave little room for assertive behaviour
  • The positive inner dialogue technique is very useful before a crisis or tricky situation to coach yourself into doing your best in the given circumstances
  • It is not a question of thinking rosy thoughts so that you pretend it will be all right with false optimism, it is a way of stopping the downward spiral with positive but realistic options

Fogging
  • When someone is behaving aggressively they tend to expect disagreement and charge ahead not listening, fogging is used to slow them down by an unexpected response, it is a way of side stepping their issue and still retaining your point of view and integrity by agreeing with some part of what they say
  • It is called fogging because the effect is very like suddenly being faced with a bank of fog when the way appeared to be clear
  • The word 'yes' takes them by surprise and really helps to put the brakes on
  • Fogging gives you time to get things on to a more even keel and can reduce the temperature in a potentially explosive situation

Negative feelings assertion
  • In many cultures and in many situations it is often much easier for people to tell other people what they 'think' about something rather than what they 'feel', many of the feelings we show at work are shown reluctantly or as a last resort
  • It is important to find a way to say what we feel, particularly if it is negative before we erupt and become angry and out of control
  • Negative feelings assertion is used to tell someone what is happening and how you feel about it in a constructive way

Discrepancy assertion
  • Discrepancy assertion is used in situations where you are receiving contradictory messages
  • In fast-paced environments, contradictory messages are one of the by-products, it is important to be able to be clear about what is actually happening or expected without using guesswork
  • Discrepancy assertion helps to clear up misunderstanding before they grow into difficult issues, it is also a useful way to point out to someone the inconsistency of their behaviour without blaming or being accusatory
  • With discrepancy assertion it is important to be able to be as objective as possible pointing out the known facts clearly